Captain Morgan Tiki Mango and Pineapple. I’m frequently asked why I continue to review and purchase such questionable products. See it as some kind of penance…..

I need to make one thing very clear from the outset – this is not rum. The Captain Morgan brand was originally focused around a “dark” navy style rum. However, it has now moved far beyond that. Rarely for the better it must be noted

Their original Flagship Dark rum comprised rum from the likes of Jamaica, Guyana and Barbados in varying blends, depending on availability and seemingly which part of the world you might be in also.

It’s interesting to note that despite the ongoing “popularity” of the Captain Morgan Dark Rum, it is perhaps more well known now in the UK for it’s “Spiced Gold“. Morgan’s Spiced (as it was originally called) had been available since at least the 1990’s in the UK. I cannot really recall it being all that popular.

Not until the “explosion” of Spiced Rum in the UK in the 00’s anyway, Morgan’s Spiced became much more popular. Funnily enough due to the popularity of Sailor Jerry. Diageo could easily undercut in terms of price in the supermarket. It is still hugely popular and if you are a rum enthusiast in the UK you will no doubt have met people who really like rum – like Morgan’s Spiced. It’s depressing.

Sadly the likes of Morgan’s Spiced Gold and The Kraken are perennial best sellers on the likes of Amazon. Unfortunately, too many people recognise Spiced Rum as Rum. So it is perhaps no surprise that in recent years – especially in the US market, Captain Morgan has deviated even further from it’s more conventional and traditonal rum roots.

Whilst the introduction of Captain Morgan White a few years ago was, as it turns out quite a decent addition to the lower end of the rum scene, Diageo have come up with a whole new way of marketing and selling the Captain Morgan brand.

Frozen Cocktails and lower alcohol flavoured spirit drinks have covered the lower end of the market. Clogging up supermarket shelves and further cheapening the name of rum. Yes you’ll find this in amongst the rum in the Supermarket.

Now usually I try and keep my opinions on something wrapped up until near the end of a review. Unfortunately I may struggle with this unrelelenting, synthetic flavoured, cats piss.

We’ll get on to the presentation first of all. It comes in a standard bar style 70cl bottle. The Captain is prominent on the label. In his usual stance with his foot on a rum barrel. Quite why they have chosen a rum barrel is beyond me as I can assure you none of confected, watery, alcopop coloured piss in this bottle has been anywhere near a barrel. It has went for a more exotic look with green and gold colouring on the label. To truly state its Tiki credentials.

It is in all fairness noted as being a Rum Based Spirit Drink. As a result the ABV is quite low. Now I was expecting 30-35% but no it is even less than that. A measly 25% ABV. Captain Morgan Tiki Mango and Pineapple retails at £15.99, so you probably shouldn’t expect too much but it does suggest that every last cynical penny is being stretched out of this particular product.

The hydrometer gives a reading of just 10% ABV which means we have around 41g/L of nasties in this concoction. No surprises there I’m sure. There is a redeeming feature though with this and other Captain Morgan products. The screw caps are always really good quality and rarely become threaded……

In the bottle, it doesn’t look too bad but when you pour it into the glass you are presented with a bright pink liquid which looks more like Rose Wine than any kind of rum or even a “rum based spirit drink”. Crikey it’s the colour of the lollipops given “for free” to the kids in Santa Claus the Movie. Puce I think it’s referred to as by the snivelling worm responsible for marketing the lollipops – in the film. I hope I’m not giving Diageo any ideas here……

It looks genuinely scary, it might even glow in the dark. One thing however I’m sure this drink isn’t going to do is make me float – I certainly I won’t be walking on air after trying this if the nose is anything to go on.

For such a low ABV product it certainly smells strongly. Sadly it’s mostly of synthetic concentrated Pineapple cheap boiled sweets and some light hints of some kind of Mango flavouring. It’s about as authentic and natural as Donald Trump’s wife. It has that kind of Pineapple note that really gets right up your nose and makes it itch. Not at all pleasant.

It’s sweet, cloying and there is absolutely no trace whatsoever of any kind of rum. It just smells like a generic flavoured vodka.

Drunk neat, as I was dared to do so – it’s ludicrously easy to sip. Not in a good way though. It has no burn and no real trace of any kind of alcohol. It’s like drinking some horrible own brand Fruit Squash from somewhere like Costcutter or One Stop.

Tastewise, it’s slightly bitter and really catches the back of your throat. A bit like very cheap and nasty Pear Drop sweets. It has a very weird slightly astringent after taste. It really is a dreadful cheap and very fake tasting “drink”.

You can mix this with lemonade or soda water but neither can shift the horrible cloying synthetic-ness. In fact its even worse in a long drink because there is more of it to drink. You’d think the mixer might dilute this Frankenstein concoction but it doesn’t.

The stuff truly reeks not just in terms of the nose but in terms of everything. It is no wonder rum is looked down upon when this kind of product is mass market. I can only assume the type of cretinous arsehole that drinks shit like this is the same type of person kicking off about having to wear a face mask.

To be honest I should have worn a face mask to review this…………and kept it in place.

You’ll probably wish you’ve caught COVID-19 after drinking this monstrosity. God knows what colour my piss will be in the morning.

It’s terrible which will come as no surprise. After having something genuinely Pineapple like and authentic earlier this week in the shape of Damoiseau’s Les Arranges Pineapple Victoria this is really just dreadful in comparison.

Captain Morgan Tiki Mango and Pineapple – Tiki this is not! 1/2 star as I can’t go any lower and the screw cap is good…….