Worst Ten Rums…….So Far

Worst Rum So Far Article by the fat rum pirateWorst Ten Rums is probably an article a lot of you have been expecting for a while. In fairness it has been in the pipeline a long time.  With around 300 reviews in the bag, I thought it might be useful to look back and see which rums I truly hated.

You see a lot of the rum I have reviewed I have found to be pretty mediocre.  Maybe I could compile a list of the Ten most boring rums as well?  When all is said and done, not that many rums have truly offended me or surprised me.  Often I’ve bought cheaply and pretty much got what I paid for.

As with the last list there has been some consideration given to the selections.  I haven’t picked on any particular brand or distillery.  Unlike the “Best Ten Rums” I’ve chose not to select a designated “Spiced” rum.  The reasons for this are twofold – one many Spiced “rums” are not in fact rums at all but Spirit Drinks (ABV below 37.5% is not Rum in the EU) and secondly, you will find that many of the rums I have chosen are “spiced” in all but name……

Some of the rums included are in the list because they are huge disappointments from usually impressive distillers/producers. Others are just the worst of a terrible bunch of awful products.  A lot of this list doesn’t come cheap.  Which for me adds insult to injury!  All of these rums scored less than two stars which would have qualified them as average.

Anyway without further ado here is the sh*tlist.  If you require further convincing how bad these rums are then you can click on the title for the full review….

10. Plantation Jamaica 2000

Plantation Jamaica 200 rum review by the fat rum piratePlantation are a little unlucky to find themselves in this list.  I did think when I was compiling my ten that they would escape.  Unfortunately re-visiting my notes regarding this reinforced my dislike of this particular vintage.  Although this expression is no longer widely available they are continuing to release “Jamaica” vintage rums.  Quite which distillery this comes from is difficult to determine.  The “dosage” used in this one just totally spoils it.  At times, Plantation can produce rum as good as any other producer but sadly for me and my £40 this wasn’t one of them.  They can do so much better.

9. Papa’s Pilar 24 Dark Rum

Papa's Pilar 24 Dark Rum review by the fat rum pirate#trypapapilar.  No seriously don’t.  That’s a joke from one of the Facebook rum forums.  Quite what this rum was trying to be still leaves me baffled.  As a drink it wasn’t completely unpleasant by any stretch.  As a rum? No idea, it tasted almost like Dr Pepper.  Nevertheless a slick marketing/promotional giveaway ensured a deluge of positive reviews from across the pond.  Let them get on with it is all I can say.  Oh, and as for pouring the rum out………..best of luck with that.  Looks nice though.

8. Saint James Heritage

Saint James Heritage Rum Review by the fat rum pirateIt’s rarely I buy a rum which has been heavily discounted (from £30 to £17) and still feel royally ripped off.  Quite what Saint James were thinking when they dipped their toes in the blended molasses rum market is beyond me.  This is one of the worst Caribbean blends I have ever had.  There is some cane juice rhum in here as well but god knows where that has gone. Supermarket standard swill.  The only saving grace for Saint James is that they quickly realised their error and this is no longer in production.  You’ll still find plenty of it lurking online though.  Do yourself a favour and avoid.  It is nothing like you might expect from such a producer.

7. One Barrel Refined Old Rum

It would seem that in Belize 2 years is classed as old….because that is the age of this monstrosity.  I bought this as an import so paid south of £30 for it.  I bought it on the back of a positive review.  Seek out that review it stills lurks online sadly.  If this was just a young rum then I wouldn’t have had such beef with it.  I’d have accepted it as entry level fayre.  Unfortunately it use of the words “refined” and “old” really stick in my craw when I’m drinking something which has a strange maple syrup/butterscotch like concoction running through it.  It’s so artificial it tastes almost plastic-like.  And unlike Papa’s Pilar the presentation is nothing short of shocking.  See-no evil, smell-no evil.

6. Bacardi Black/Carta Negra

Bacardi Black RumEven a change of name can’t disguise this repulsive muck.  I’m quite surprised I even gave it one star to be honest.  One of those rums where you feel a little queasy just thinking about your experience of it.  Had the funny “mineral-ey” note found in Bacardi Superior but they’d dialled it up a bit and added a hefty dose of tar and nasty burnt tobacco.  I struggled with this even in cola.  Definitely heavily coloured and a rum which I am convinced just doesn’t have a clue what it is meant to be.  We need a dark rum……..no Bacardi you really didn’t.  I still have nightmares about this one.

5. Angostura No1 – First Edition

Angostura No 1 Cask Collection Rum Review by the fat rum pirateAngostura are a producer than never fail to disappoint me when it comes to their Premium offerings.  It’s a real shame that the legacy of Trini rum is left to them and their “flowery and buttery” offerings.  The further up the price ladder I go with Angostura the more disappointentment I feel.  This retailed at around the £90 and as seems to be their thing with their more aged offerings – was awash with additives.  As I said in the original review “Rum for people who don’t really like rum or rather don’t really know what rum should be”.

4. Ron Millonario XO

Ron Millonario XO rum review by the fat rum pirateThis is marketed as a fine sipping rum from an artisan distillery in Peru.  Personally I find that story a bit fanciful.  Even if this rum is produced at an artisan distillery, there is precious little evidence of the actual distillate by the time Ron Millonario XO ends up in the bottle.  Without doubt one of the most altered rums available.  It is almost like perfume.  For anyone who thinks this is “pure” rum and a product of exceptional distillation and ageing – you’re only fooling yourself.  Another pricey premium product which is simply not worth the money. It has its fans but they really are deluded.

3. Bundaberg Original UP Rum

Bundaberg RumTechnically I shouldn’t have included this as a “rum”.  This particular variant of “Bundy” is bottled at only 37% ABV.  Which means it legally isn’t rum in the EU.  Still having tried this I didn’t exactly rush out to try the other expressions (and export 40% version is available).  I had to include Bundaberg as it is truly without doubt one of the world’s worst rums.  Its rough and tastes like nothing else.  Bad whisky is the best comparison I can give.  Nothing can mask the taste and small of Bundaberg Original UP Rum.  The stuff is legendary and absolutely bloody awful!  Quite why we bother importing the damn stuff is beyond me.  So glad I never tried it when I was in Australia in 2009 or I may never have started drinking rum!

2. Ron de Jeremy XO

Ron de Jeremy XO Rum review by the fat rum pirateHere we have our not so handsome runner up.  I’m not sure how often Ron is used to finishing second but he’s managed it here.  Probably one of the most cynical attempts to tap into the “Premium” rum market.  Take a perfectly decent blend of rum and attack it with so much sugar you are within grams of it being a liqueur.  This was akin to drinking the last mouthful of tea when you have put far too much sugar in and forgot to stir it properly.  No spice, no vanilla, no oak, no rum basically just sugar syrup all the way down.  Dreadful, dreadful stuff.  And now they have released an XXO version……I’ll not be trying that!

1. A.H Riise Danish Royal Navy Rum

A.H Riise Royal Danish Navy Rum review by the fat rum pirateProbably the worst thing about this particular rum is the fact that as it isn’t their most “Premium” offering, it probably isn’t their worst.  Needless to say after trying this “grog” I have no desire to inflict any more damage upon my taste buds.  According to the company website this is made from Pot Still Guyana rum.  Well like the Millonario good look spotting that!

First up is the smell of this “rum”.  It absolutely stinks of artificial sweeteners and confectionary.  Nasty horrible cheap boiled sweets.  Taste-wise this stuff really doesn’t improve.  This makes Millonario XO seem almost rum-like.  In terms of a Navy Rum this is as far away from Pussers as it could possibly be.  It can shake as many Gold Medals and fans at me as it likes as well.  I can’t help it if people do not know what rum can and should be! Without doubt the worst rum I have had so far on my journey.  This is the ultimate “sipping” rum fantasy.  Any “rum lover” who rates this – I’m sorry to say it but you haven’t a clue at all.

Obviously I am aware that lists such as this will divide opinion and people will wonder where X,Y and Z are etc.  These are ten rums selected from the 300 (approx) I have reviewed over the past 3 or so years.

There are a few people who will suggest I am being a bit of a rum “snob” and picking on “sweetened” rums.  If you wish to pay £100 for “sweetened” rum that is your choice.  However the snob in me could suggest a host of rums at a fraction of the price……

So maybe I’m not such a snob after all?

 

13 comments on “Worst Ten Rums…….So Far

  1. Hahahah!

    Bundy’s “standard” range – UP (Yellow), Red, and OP (Orange) – is the pits! It’s a shame that so many people’s introduction to rum in this country is Bundy. So many people I have met who “don’t like rum” only ever tried Bundy.

    Which is a shame, because their “Master Distiller’s Collection” is actually really good for the price, and actually some of the better rums that I’ve had…. and I’ve had a lot!

    Small Batch Vintage Cask is especially good. Aged in old Port casks it starts off very burnt treacle, then softens to caramel, vanilla and finally to oak with tobacco and smoke.

    Will be enjoyed by those who like a thicker, sweeter rum.

  2. Brazilian Rum montilla. Argh…

  3. As a young man (Aussie) I dismissed dark rum because of Bundy and only after experienced other dark rums I realised rum can be wonderful. Recently I retried the UP and their white rum thinking perhaps my younger palate missed something. Nope the UP is ghastly but try the white Bundy 5 …. its even worse

  4. […] Hitliste der etwas anderen Art: Der Fat Rum Pirate stellt die seiner Meinung nach zehn schlechtesten Rums aller Zeiten vor. Und die zehn besten […]

  5. Hahaha the one barrel from Belize… “Plastic”, I think there is no better words to describe it.

  6. I bought a bottle of Ron Millonario XO a couple of years back and it is awful. It was a turning point for in my rum journey. Prior to that I’d bought quite a few sweet rums but this took the biscuit. It’s so sweet with such an obvious fake added flavour that it was like drinking a cough medicine. I also felt that had to be bad for me such was it’s sweetness. It put me off that style altogether and I buy from the independent bottlers for the most part now with little or no tampering with the distillate.

  7. Bundy review spot on. You’d have to be a deadset lunatic to willingly drink that wretched piss…

  8. You don’t know how close I came to buying a Ron Millonario XO on several occasions. Your review always brings me back to my senses despite the endless praise it gets from Rum Ratings.

    • Bob, I got a bottle in Spain at a considerably reduced price. I thought I had a bargain until I tasted it. Don’t be tempted. It’s got the taste and texture of cough medicine and is sickly sweet.

  9. Next can we have a ‘Top 10 liqueurs which are mistakenly labelled as rum’ featuring some of our favourite bottles from Central America?

  10. I love these kinds of reviews because they’re often hilarious. However, as an Australian, I have to ask: how did you drink the Bundy ? If you drank it straight I should point out that NO ONE in Oz drinks it straight. Everyone drinks it with Coke, a match made in heaven. I hope this review doesn’t turn your readers off other Australian rums, there’s some excellent sippers available, Husk and Ord River are two that spring to mind. It would be great to see your list of the 10 most boring rums too.

    • As an Australian, bundaberg rum is cat piss with or without Coke. It smells likes it’s aged in old 44 gallon drums with a few pine chips thrown in for colour. Having grown up with bundy, then having spent years crusing the carribean and the Americas. Bundy is single handily the worst I have had anywhere in the world and I’ve tried some shit. It should have been number 1! The reason there’s so many non rum drinkers in Australia is because it’s all people are exposed to.

  11. I laughed out loud reading this. Luckily I didnt try any of the listed rums, however I once got offered the Riise rum, but declined after smelling it…. Horrific stuff.

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